lotu's blog

Ken

2010-06-24T00:36:00.001+10:00

Lying awake at night gives me too much time to think, reflect and imagine.
I went to celebrate the life of an amazing man today. I guess it really challenged me in what impact I am leaving on the people around me. It was quite scary, and a little saddening to reflect on my journey so far.

I wonder if I am capable of change - whether I could be someone as great as he was.

Can't sleep

2010-06-22T00:05:00.001+10:00

Gee, haven't done this in a while.

Life isn't great. No work. Can't sleep. Can't find much reason to get out of bed. Not sure enough about too many things to feel happy any more.

I just need a break, or a miracle, or a change in something. Lots of confused prayers. Few answers.

Coq Au Vin

2010-05-26T11:36:00.002+10:00

I have been learning recently that, much like the dinner I have been preparing for tonight, most preparation takes a lot longer than I would anticipate.

My work situation still sucks, Rachel decided she didn't like me enough to continue our relationship, I'm going BACK to uni, and I just feel like a failure. I really wish I could be working, at least some decent part time work, but nothing I apply for seems to give me a response. It's just depressing. I know it's not a good idea to compare yourself to others, but it's hard not to think about - Dad was married almost 2 years when he was my age, my brother had his own place, most of my friends are working, and I'm still at home 4 days a week, cooking dinner and fixing things around the house.

It's hard to see God's plan in all this. Was it part of the plan to have me in this position at this time?? Was it planned for me to be unhappy?? I really don't know.

my fingers itch.

2010-04-27T00:00:00.002+10:00

I want to write a piece of fiction. Conspiracy stuff. Have a basic idea. Just to work it out and put it into place.

I broke my knee

2010-04-22T11:45:00.003+10:00

Well, I didn't really break my knee. But I really hurt it - it's so stiff and sore today... But it was strange, I have never felt anything like that before in my life.
I thought I had dislocated it when it happened, which was a bit scary, the joint definitely moved out from where it should have been, but Ashish, the physio who goes to HKD with us, says there is nothing that has been permanently damaged there.

I have never 'felt' my joint move out of (and back into) place like that before. I guess it makes me think how amazing the world really is. I've seen many skeletons (or at least analogues) and I find it totally fascinating and awe inspriring that that kinda thing is sitting somewhere in me, even though I may never actually see it. I have the same marvellous sense when it comes to car engines. There's like a thousand moving parts in an internal combustion engine, but I don't see them at work. Guess the same goes with God, ay?? Thousands of little plans put into motion, millions of tiny steps, and I only see the end result.

It's been a while

2010-04-20T10:05:00.002+10:00

So things that have been happening with me lately:

Not a lot.

Well it doesn't seem like a lot, mostly because nothing much has changed in the last month or so. I have a girlfriend, I can't remember whether I really mentioned her on here much though. She goes to my new church, which I am really enjoying, but I am wondering what I can do there now, as I think I'll be here (being Sydney) for the foreseeable future.

I'm going to be grading again in Hapkido in a few months, maybe about July, and then I'll be red 1. I'll actually be training for my black belt, which seems kinda weird, if I'm honest, but any weirdness is shuffled back into the corner when the though of the coolness comes back into my mind. I went to Muay Thai on the weekend. It was really good, lots of fun and, more importantly, a major workout which totally dominated my cardiovascular system, forced it to scream 'uncle' and then started ruling it with an iron scepter. (Note: I don't think that's the correct spelling of that, but it made the red dotted line go away)

I'm painting my home at the moment. It's amazing how much difference a few different colours can make to the look of a room. I was thinking of studying a Master of Design Science: Illumination, because I was interested in lighting design, but I would have to wait until January to start the course, which I don't really want to do. Instead, I'm going to an information session tonight about the Master of Interaction Design and Electronic Art course at USyd. It's only 18 months and starts next semester. I will probably decide on whether or not I end up doing it at the session tonight. I'm guessing my prayers about that will be answered.

Prayer is funny thing. I guess it is a bit scary when it's answered. I've prayed for work a lot - considering my one day per week of work, and apparent inability to find any other work is getting quite depressing sitting around waiting for prayer to be answered. I think I've usually said a prayer over a decision. I have prayed not for foresight, but an answer to a question. I guess that's the explanation of why things turned out they way they did - much to my surprise. I prayed for God's guidance as to whether I should apply to the Defence Force, not whether I'll end up there.

I would like a career one day. Not just to get a job. I'm 25 and haven't been able to find full time work - and haven't even gotten a reply from places like Bunnings. It sucks. But I can't change it, all I've gotta do is wait. Again. Right? I want my life to begin, please.

home.

2010-04-10T14:33:00.000+10:00

Update

2010-03-22T13:34:00.002+11:00

Tomorrow I fly down to Canberra for an OSB interview, which I'm excited and nervous about at the same time. I have been trying to prepare for the last few weeks. I *think* I'm ready, but it's hard to anticipate what will be asked at the time.

I had an active weekend too - Friday and Saturday night playing WoW as well as going to Jamberoo with Rachel and a few others from church. REALLY nice day. Jamberoo is pretty good - bit far away though.

Happy times.

/hug

2010-03-15T16:25:00.000+11:00

I can haz a girlfriend ^_^

Steam

2010-03-06T13:08:00.000+11:00

w00t!! Steam and probably valve and various games are coming to Mac!! YAAAAAAAY!!

Interview

2010-03-02T00:42:00.002+11:00

I successfully passed my interview on Friday. I didn't, in fact, have to do all of it, as I have passed the medical hoo-haa in August last year. Since I was going for a job remarkably similar to the one I had already been interviewed, and sat a selection board to try to get, and I didn't miss out on those spots because I failed those parts. So I had an easy morning last Friday.

My weekend was good, watched some ice hockey. Happy times. Played some WoW. Wore happy times. Went to church. Happy times are here again. I like how things are going, but I would also like some more work - need some more monies. I guess I can't have everything though...

Oh, yeah, and I can't believe I'm playing WoW... It's like nicotine for my eyes, all the purrdy colours. Tell me I need help.

Speaking of Purrdy colours, I'm planning on going to perhaps possibly get into maybe doing some more photography stuff. The plan is to dabble a little in a few styles - motion capture, HDR and polar panoramic, perhaps also look for some cool urban decay or technopunk-ish - to see if I enjoy and get into anything specific. I want to do it with people though, I guess that's half the point, so I need to find these people somehow.

I wish I was excited by this, I really do.

2010-02-25T15:37:00.003+11:00

I don't want to say that people are slow or anything, it's not really fair, or or even true, but I wish I was excited by doing something like admin (my current casual vocation) or data entry or that kinda thing... I can't stand it al all, and frankly it's painful to spend a day doing, becuase I have to stay awake while being so un-amused. Well, I guess that's the way I see it. I do the work and I do it properly, but I am not excited by waking up in the morning to do it in the first place. I wish that I was. Life would be so much easier if I was satisfied with typing letters and things all day, espically when it would come to apllying for and even finding work, but I won't ever be. I've met people who are really excited by that kind of work, they really love it, because it's their thing - their space in the universe.

It's just getting depressing being out of the zone so much. That zone where you're in doing what you want to do, what you've MADE to do. Some people are made to be creative, some are made to run processes efficiently, some are made to be leaders or followers or totally independent.

It just sucks being the round peg which has been shoved into a square hole.

The Box.

2010-02-23T11:18:00.002+11:00

"You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body."

I've been thinking about this a bit lately. It's a quote from C.S. Lewis that is apparently in Mere Christianity... which I have read, but can't remember seeing that quote in there. I was thinking about this quote, and thought about my soul. I am essentially eternal, and immortal, but also powerless to control my own future once my body is gone.

I imagined that everything I know, everything I am and everything that makes me "Phil" was put into a box. I also began to think about how I would treat that box, whether it is rugged or fragile, big or small. Everything I have fits perfectly and snugly into the box, like it is made just to store what is essentially me. I can't imagine that I would do my best to keep it in good condition. I would not put it on a shelf to be ignored, I could use it when I needed to, but I would take care of it.

I guess we have a box, in which all things we are are contained, and which also is an extension of ourselves, and how others see us as well.

I guess what I came to was a realization of how important my 'box' is to me, and how unimportant the box of someone else should be to me. In the former, how can I neglect my own container if everything I have inside it is defining of who I am. For the latter, our box is only a container for what we are, so why should someone judge the contents by the box they are in.

Take care of yourselves.

good to be back

2010-02-17T13:18:00.002+11:00

And I'm back, and writing.

I have to say that I think it was the best decision ever to go on Flight Screening. On the first Monday I had my first ever flight in a light aircraft and on the 2nd monday I was starting to do a few aerobatics. I was really happy with the support I got from my friends and family while I was there. It made it easier. But I guess the thing that really got me through was praying about it all. I was really amazed about how much it helped. I also kept some bible verses in my mind... From Isaiah 40:

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Flight screening felt like a bit of a tast of what the actual flight course would be like. The difference being that it was probably more stressful and less workload. The other thing I thought was really cool were some parts of the culture. Everytime you walked past someone they said hi and were happy to talk about how things were going. The whole mateship thing there was really obvious and really made the whole experience enjoyable and bearable.

In the end I was not accepted as a pilot. Kinda disappointing, but I think I saw it coming. They said I'd make a good officer, and they were happy with my leadership qualities and other things they tested as part of the officer selection board. I'm going to keep going with my application, and try to get in as a General Service Officer in the intelligence corps. I applied for some work in the meantime at Bnnings - no-one else seems to be hiring at the moment, not coles or wollies or any of those groups.

Anyway, so I'm waiting for the application to get going again. Hopefully it's not going to take as long this time...

2010-01-28T15:36:00.002+11:00

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. That which I have been working towards for the last year or so is finally coming to fruition. I'm really not sure whether I'm more excited or nervous, or equal amounts of both. I take most things in my stride, but this is such an incredibly unusual experience that I really am not sure what I'm feelling about it at the moment.

I believe my life has been planned ahead of my experience, but I cannot conciously rest at ease, which is understandable, I guess. I expect to get little sleep again tomorrow or Friday night. Just to lie and wonder seems to be all can do.

Wonder about my past, my future and my present. Wonder what I will become, who will go there with me, and where all the people I hold so close now will be when get there.

Just what I've been mulling over recently. As well as where I can buy a sport strap for my sunglasses... That's been less taxing though.

BOOM!!

2010-01-27T18:19:00.003+11:00

I like storms. I like lightning more than thunder. You can hear thunder from anywhere, but you have to be in the right place at the right time, looking the right way to catch a glimpse of lightning. It is unique, elusive more mysterious and unexpected than thunder. That's what I like about it.

Maybe this is also the way I fall for girls the way I do.

So far...

2010-01-19T11:39:00.002+11:00

It's been a good weekend, and Monday was unusually forgiving as well.

I had a really good time at a different church on Sunday. It was very different, and I felt really good about being there. I knew a few people there, so that was good, and they asked me to play bass, which was interesting, but I also enjoyed - they have a great little rock bass there, it's awesome. I'm feeling pretty good about being there, and I'm looking forward to being there on Sunday. Having said that I'm not certain whether that's where I'll stay, especially since there's only one more Sunday before I fly away to... er... fly...

I've been busily preparing for the flight program, the officer selection board especially. I'm conscious that over preparing is a bad thing, but I don't think I'm there yet.

Back from holidays

2010-01-14T22:42:00.002+11:00

I almost feel odd saying that I've been on holidays, as I'm only working casual at the moment. I probably have a little bit of design work coming up for me, but I don't know whether I'll take it, as I have a lot going on over the next month. My break has been much more eventful than I would have normally been over the annual trek north during January.

I went up in the middle week of my parents' stint up there, as well as the final week. I spent a week with my parents, my sister and her husband, and one with my parents, my brother and his wife. I ended up coming back home over my middle weekend and picking my brother up from the airport so we could go up, me for the second week.

There was a few things I did manage to do while I was up there, which I wished to do. I went running a few times. The first jog I did was (barefoot) along the beach. The main problem with this was that the beach we were on had a huge incline at the line where the surf dumps straight onto the sand, which meant that I was running on a 30 degree slope perpendicular to the direction which would have been comfortable, if not harder work. Well, it was still damn hard work. The second time I ran along the footpath from to the other end of the bay and back, visiting one of the surf beaches while I was there. I don't often wear any footwear on beaches, and I know why, sand is supposed to be felt between the toes, not down the back of your sock. I ran last night and managed to catch a group of joggers who had a 100m headstart (well, a 50m headstart, I was running the other direction, to my turn around point) which made me feel good about myself.

I also took my opportunity one afternoon to take a whole bunch of photos, which I'll put on FB or flickr or something... It was such an incredibly clear afternoon, and the colours in the water were amazing, I'm so glad I took my camera and took the time to try and capture some of what I saw, even though the place looks deserted, and the people who were there (who I didn't photograph) must have thought I was a bit weird. How correct they may be is totally irrelevant. Again, the colours were just stunning, the contrast between the sand and the sea and the rocks and the trees were all as fascinating as they have ever been to me. I really find it inspiring to go out and have a look at scenes like that and just try to snatch a moment to share it with someone. I got a few photos I might make into a triptych - some good photos of the waves as they moved over the rocks. So amazing. I find it most fascinating to think that that is all still going on even if there is no-one there to witness it. I am the type of guy who wonders what happens to people when they leave the room - do they cease to exist, are they just a fragment of my imagination? The obvious answer is no, because if the women I see, for example, were part of my imagination then they would be much more interested in me. Therefore you are real. Congratulations, the internet confirms it.

Anyway, I missed a phone call on Tuesday, which was not too distressing because they left a message, and when I called back I was invited to the pilot selection agency's flight screening program in Tamworth. FINALLY, PROGRESS!! So in two weeks I'll be actually flying, and finishing with the officer selection board. I'm really genuinely excited about this. But it also makes me very nervous, because I am not fully prepared. I may have to cut back on my 'sitting around wondering what to do next' time. Life is grand, in spite of what people tell me I should be feeling. I have a genuinely good feeling about how this is supposed to go. I was told that the flight screening program was based on performance in other interviews and tests, as well as the resume I had submitted and other things like that, rather than a 'first come, first served' policy. I honestly wasn't sure where I'd fall in that category, but it's really given me a confidence boost about this whole decision being picked in January, rather than in June, if the selection is by competition. It's good to have my application move along for a change, rather than having me wait. I think I've learned a lot about patience, and releasing my future to the one who has real control. I know it may seem like my life is meaningless to people who... well, aren't me - but I have learned a lot this last year. Especially about the people who I am confronted, as they try to discourage me, and tell me that all I do is worth nothing. I don't let them bother me so much any more (it's still upsetting) but I figure there will be nothing for me to gain by hanging onto what such people would say.

Anyway, other things are going well, not that there is much else going on in the first place. I'm trying a new church on Sunday, which will be good because I've been there before, but not when they had their own usual crowd, and I didn't get to mingle much because I was in a rush etc. etc., but I should be able to hang around more this time. I guess that was the best thing of going away. I had time to just hang around, sit on the beach and stare in amazement and think about how nicely the blue of the sky contrasted with the umbrella I was sitting under. I hope my life will involve many moments like that one, but that I will never have the desire to just experience the same moment over again. It was interesting having that opinion prior to starting to read C.S. Lewis' sci-fi trilogy (I read 'Out of the Silent Planet' and started 'Perelandra' while I was away) and hear about the way of life Lewis imagined for these creatures (hnau) who are living throughout the solar system. One of assumed restraint, while humans assume desire and needing to fulfil desire, rather than remember to savour the experience. Very interesting.

Anyway, I think it is time to upload images to FB, I think.

2010-01-10T21:59:00.002+11:00

Going back up the coast tomorrow, I'm looking forward to being on the beach again.

I'm going to look for some retail work when I get back... reluctantly, but I will do so.

Now that I have electricity again...

2010-01-08T02:24:00.003+11:00

You know things aren't really that bad when at 2:22am you have the sudden realisation that the ham has gone off.

Damn, no ham. I like ham. I am not Sam. I hate spam. I've never had a yam. This blog is a sham, ma'am.

2010-01-03T23:52:00.002+11:00

I have only one new years' resolution for 2010, and that is to not to go back to my church. I'm not sure where else I'll go, but I'll hopefully find one which doesn't have so many people which make me angry. I could recap my reasons and experiences, but I see no reason why that would make things any better. On a similar note, I saw someone this evening (from the aforementioned institution) who had become a fan of the facebook group called "When I was your age I was catching Pokémon not STIs." Classy girl. So you can imagine why I don't feel I fit in, there.

I leave tomorrow for my holiday at Port Stephens. I'm looking forward to it, actually. I plan to go for a run along the beach every morning, which is about 4.5km. I'm also taking my camera and a few good books - well, I hope they're good...

2009-12-31T16:38:00.001+11:00

I am not sure what is going to happen over this next year, but I am hoping that I will be a very different person by the end of it.

Serpent Love

2009-12-31T01:44:00.001+11:00

I slide through the tall grass, my belly gliding over the warm, moist earth, hunting you, my precious prey. Can you hear me? I cannot help but hiss with excitement, if you ears were sharp you would hear me and run. My tongue lashes out in the air, quickly lapping up your scent, tasting your flesh, your flavour teasing me. I want you more now. My eyes are wide with anticipation, I feel my mouth begin to salivate, but I mustn’t swallow, I have something for you.

It all starts for you like lightning. A flash, and then a crack of pain, for now. I sink my teeth in and savour the moment I spend inside of you. My lips around your ankle are cold, but your heat almost stings me back. I could curl up around your body and stay warm forever if you would let me, if you didn’t fear me, so I take the moment I have.

I can see in my mind’s eye, what I gave you, slowly flowing through your blood. Your body turning numb, your breast rising and falling with deep intense breaths. I watch the sweat glisten on your forehead, wondering if you will ever escape me, my effect, my gift to you. I see your body shaking now, you are out of control, your hands clinging at the ground, but you can hardly control yourself. Take in the air, deep breaths, and it is all over, we have shared our moment now, and I have been first to give you this gift, this feeling, this uncontrollable and unstoppable sensation.

Breathe out your last and turn your head to the side. Let your eyes close and drift away to dreams, and think of me. Dream of me.

for Claire.

2009-12-31T01:26:00.000+11:00

A sentry, vigilant, disciplined, trustworthy. Carrying out a charge without question. A soldier, ready to defend off whatever would threaten his stronghold. Discerning friend from foe, trader from mercenary, peasant from pirate. Anyone who would enter would pass under my ever-watchful eye. Anyone who would dare approach with the slightest inclination of malevolence would be cut down and thrown into the dark pit surrounding the keep. I decide how the crossing is travelled, I decide who can come and who can leave, and who I would sooner see dead then enter.

But it has been quiet of late. The stone walls seem to be growing old, to be growing taller each time I look up at them, and colder, like it is winter within, even though I see a desert without. There are few who would trade in the markets inside the walls, few who have interest in the offerings, as if the life of an entire city is dwindling, a culture disappearing, no longer having anything good to offer someone. Maybe that is why the walls grow cold, there is no life in there, no spirit or fire or song to fill the air, warm it up. Few enter who I do not know from my most distant memories. None would challenge me, and I would never challenge these friends.

Would I still be up for the task? My fears of apathy have been rotting the presence of my command, am I still tall, strong, secure? Or have I become obsolete? Does a keep with no lord need its defences, and how long will I have my task? I pace up and down the entrance in ceremony and drill, with precision deserving of one who carries out the will of his commander, but I do not remember when my orders were given. I try to remember our last visitor as I watch the sun go down, and close the gate for evening, to rest for tomorrow’s opportunities, if there are any.

The sun rises day after day and dries mist and dew, but there is no one to present to my city. By noon even the morning birds grow weary of dancing in the unkept fields in front of the city wall. Out of frustrated love for my decaying and long isolated city I would dare to leave my post, to enter through the gate and challenge the citizens who could travel out to other cities to share in our harvest, so boast of our culture, and laugh and bring back new friends and stories of adventure. Glory to my city! I am proud, and I shall rally her children to being proud also.

But I cannot begin do describe my dismay. I look up and even the noonday sun barely climbs over the thick stone walls so dry the ground. I have been guarding an empty city. No-one remains, not a soul laughing or crying. Just a silence I can’t describe, or begin to break. How long have I stood sentry to an empty cave? Am I so ignorant and blind I can’t even realise the decay of my own home? Why is my city so empty inside? What is left for me now - to stand guard until my body withers and dies, a ghost to guard a ghost of a city?

Even so the sun rises again, burning away the fog and drying the dew. Until only a woman - an angel remains at the gate. Golden hair and white robes. Is she mocking me? What could she have in her basket to trade with ghosts like me, or memories like my citizens.

“Why would you wish to enter this shell? This wall, continually growing harder and taller around the city is the only life you will find here.”

The woman touched the wall with her hand, and breathed in with the stone. Laid her face against the wall as if to assure the city that she was a friend. Fine strands of her pure gold hair caught on the rock as she entered the gate, as though my challenge were jest. In anger and confusion I followed after her. Only to see the noon sun already shining on her stall. Her pink and yellow apples, fresh fruit like I could not remember seeing already laid out in front of her.

“Would you like to trade?” She asked, as if she knew that I had nothing to offer. I looked around the city, wondering if I was in purgatory, or worse, if I had died and this was the test I had to pass before being accepted into the ranks of angels.

“I have nothing to offer you. My city is empty, you can see that around you. No life nor death has graced this place, and I am lost and alone here.”

“Then you may take your fill from me. I will fill your city.”

Post christmas, pre new-year.

2009-12-30T11:11:00.002+11:00

So I have pretty much made the decision to leave my current church, in the hopes of finding something from a different one. I'm not really sure where to go though. I'm not even sure about work, because the two days a week I have at the moment are basically due to my being at that church. There would be two or three people I would like to send a letter to in order to say thanks for being a good example for me, but I think I will refrain from sending the dozens of letters with "go die in a hole, retard" written in my own blood, or maybe that of a puppy. But puppies are expensive and I like them. No puppy blood then. Maybe a kitten. But they're still expensive. I've just gotten over the people there. The lifestyle and the insidious backstabbing and bitching that goes on.

The strange thing is that I am now so surprised that I waited so long to do this. Oh well.

Anyway, I saw 'The Lovely Bones' yesterday with a friend. I don't think I have ever felt so angry at a character before in my life. This includes Jar Jar Binks. It was a really good movie. I would recommend it if you liked atonement. Other than that I have hardly done anything much, which has been both a good and a bad thing.

So there's not much to talk about.

failmao.

2009-12-26T19:32:00.002+11:00

First is was hectic, now it's epic

Why must people rape and pillage my language like this??

... and it's artsy musicians doing it too. Maybe I should play a semitone out from now on...

and knowledge is half the battle

2009-12-16T14:43:00.002+11:00

I received a letter today, and as a result I know for a fact now that my dossier is in the hands of the pilot selection agency and I will be given 2 weeks notice before I go away on the course.

Yay for progress!!

note to self

2009-12-16T11:27:00.001+11:00

eat/drink before exercise

just a thought...

2009-12-14T14:05:00.003+11:00

At the end of an RTS game, mostly at the end of one where you are playing via a lan, you get a read out of all this pretty little bits of data to show not just who won, but who had the highest score... usually the two stats are for the same team, but each team member can have a different score.

I would like to see an analogue of this for WW2... USA, Australia, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, Japan... see how we all went, who had the most gold, the most units created, the most buildings razed, the highest unit score, all that kinda stuff.

I'm such a nerd for comparative statistical analysis.

Worst pun of the day:

2009-12-14T11:51:00.001+11:00

I'm so tired of not sleeping well.

Sydney Morning Herald, 24th December 1918.

2009-12-14T09:39:00.003+11:00

"GRAFTON, Miss Elizabeth Landers, while conducting a service at a Salvation Army meeting at Maclean, fell dead. Death was due to heart failure."

What the? How awkward. I'm beginning to wonder less about why officers are less vibrant and energetic as they were back in the day. What was she preaching on. Famous last words? Talk about going out with a fight. I wonder what my last words will be. You'd think they'd put a bit more in about her. This is probably why we eventually came up with a summer uniform. Is it appropriate for me to say something like what a dead sermon? ...Demands my soul, my life my all. I don't think the media would bat an eyelid if it happend on Christmas Eve this year. At least she didn't have far to go for the funeral. Some people will do anything to get out of a family lunch. Might make Christmas Day more memorable, but in a bad way. How old was she? How long before people realised what was going on? This story be continued a few days later if this happened at Easter, instead of Christmas.

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...

2009-12-11T11:54:00.001+11:00

I'm listening to our piano being tuned. It's not pleasant, but hopefully it will sound better once it's finished... I could never be a piano tuner, I would go mad.

I'd like to hear a slow jazz version of this one day.

2009-12-08T12:59:00.001+11:00

The well is deep and I require a draught of the water of life.
And none can quench my soul's desire,
For the draught of the water of life.
Till One draws near who my cry will heed,
Helper of men in their time of need.
And I, believing, find indeed,
that Christ is the Water of Life.

More on positive reinforcement.

2009-12-07T00:57:00.001+11:00

In relation to an earlier entry of mine, I would like to apologise. Mosquitoes are definitey able to have a significantly greater negative impact on sleep than excitement from positive reinforcement.

My life is quite different from yours

2009-12-06T10:16:00.002+11:00

I think I'm unique

I had a grading for Hapkido yesterday. (Lots of bruises - and it was apparently day of the ninja!!)
I then went to play WoW and xBox with my mates
This morning I get up and am now blogging while listening to The King's Singers - which I am enjoying. I'm not sure there's many 25 year old guys who don't study music who listen to that kind of music.
Beside my bed are fiction by C.S. Lewis and Science books by Isaac Asimov.

Imagine if he'd seen Australia...

2009-12-04T18:51:00.001+11:00

Our flesh-and-bone tabernacle seems transparent as glass to the beauty about us, as if truly an inseparable part of it, thrilling with the air and trees, streams and rocks, in the waves of the sun, - a part of all nature, neither old nor young, sick nor well, but immortal
- John Muir, 1901

2009-12-04T11:04:00.002+11:00

Hanging out with Matt today - hopefully he'll help me get ready to grade tomorrow. I'm still not sure whether I'm in, which is really frustrating. Hopefully my dobok will be dry to wear tonight as well.

Positive reinfocement sux

2009-12-03T11:13:00.002+11:00

When your job consists of writing one newsletter each week, and it is not being published this week, there's not much to do. Unless the phone rings... which is hasn't done much of today.

Although I went to pick up some donated toys from Kmart. That was an exciting, but smelly, 20 minues.

But yeah, the only worse thing for sleep than feeling down and thinking about stuff that's going on (like "am I ever going to actually get into the ADF??") seems to be encouragement and positive stuff. It's annoying, I want to sleep and experience the future, not wonder about it at 2am.

/Sigh

On another note the future sux. I've been told that it's coming for AGES and I seem to be stuck in the present. Stupid future.

Yes, that is the kind of thing I normally think about. My brain can get crowded and messy. I should write a book.

Finally...

2009-11-30T17:40:00.001+11:00

The pilot selection agency has my details, so I am waiting to hear back from them as to when I can take part in the flight screening program. At least now I know I'm waiting for the next actual stage of testing.

I don't get it

2009-11-29T22:28:00.002+11:00

why am I so different, that you seem to scared of me, but so happy with them??

things God has done...

2009-11-28T11:31:00.001+11:00

I spend a lot of time being amazed. I wish I understood more, so I can be amazed more on so many levels.

2009-11-24T11:54:00.003+11:00

killer workout - aptly names, 8 reps in 15 minutes... at least I have a LOT of room for improvment

prayer

2009-11-23T11:58:00.000+11:00

You have given me the chance, and I have learned patience, Lord.

But I think I am ready to give up now. Please let me know something is happening.

thought

2009-11-20T13:13:00.002+11:00

maybe the universe is like a galaxy in a much larger... multiverse.

It would make sense. Our universe, or all we have seen of the universe, all the galaxies and systems we have seen could have been born out of one phenominally large black hole - or singularity, not that we really know anything about them. But it would be entirely plausible that our understanding of this universe is so remarkably tiny that we have no idea what is past what we know. Our entire universe can be a tiny galaxy compared to the full spectrum of what there actually is out there.

Of course, by definition the universe does in fact contain everything that exists as energy of physical matter, but our view, or understanding of it may be only a tiny fraction of what it all contains.

/flex

2009-11-20T10:01:00.001+11:00

exercise schedule going mostly to plan - in spite of the flu I've had this week

although, I didn't do as well today as I would have liked. 410 reps, instead of 440, but the run went well. It's very hot already, and it's onl 10:10...

Physics RULES!!

2009-11-19T23:34:00.001+11:00

Wow, just wow. I wish I had enough lifetimes to learn so much more, to do so much more. I hope I can learn while I am in heaven!!

do'h

2009-11-18T15:51:00.004+11:00

I should mention that I worked today one more day of money than usual, but forgot to set my alarm to 'in time to get up for work."

I went to bed early, to get up to go for a run this morning, and I woke up early, as I usually do, and stared at the celing, waiting for my alarm to go off, but it didn't. I got out of bed when dad came in to ask or tell me something... or something, anyway, I didn't have enough time for my run this morning. not good. I might go for a run before HKD tonight, we'll see how warm it is when I get home. I might go for a swim too.

Experience

2009-11-18T14:54:00.002+11:00

I don't get the whole "let's see Wicket multiple times with the same cast" idea.

I saw it in NY, and it was fantastic. But part of that was the experience of being in New York. I don't want the magic of that show tainted by seeing it again, or by being able to nitpick about which performance, or which character I preferred as palayed by different actors, but I understand why you'd want to see it with a different interpretation once.

I'm aware that part of the reason I feel like this is because I am not the type of guy who goes to see the same movie multiple times, or even watches the same dvd over and over again, but I think it makes sense that if you've got the urge to experience something fantastic, don't start with what you've already experienced, find something new to get you going.

I mean, I'm trying to become a pilot, and if I was going to be told that I'd fly the same route for my entire career, as exciting as it may be the first time, I'd get bored, or probably find something else to do. I'd get bored if I was doing exactly the same job every day with no variation, or promotion, I'd get over listening to the same song every day, or get tired of the samce fancy restaruant every evening.

I don't think people should risk the memory of the initital enjoyment, I don't think people should put themselves in the way of oncoming diminishing returns.

Besides, everyone will be over Wicked in a few years anyway.

A show, any show, can't compare to seeing a sunrise, or a city ligt up at night, or a shooting star, those things are unique in that they are macroexperiences - that is, they are bigger than a show, or a fancy restaraunts. These experiences are beautiful in their subtleties and differences, but noone can fault the awsesomeness of the sun rising, or the gentle return of a tide.

That's what I've been thinking about this afternoon.

Feeling Fluey

2009-11-18T00:01:00.001+11:00

Sick and not sleeping. Working tomorrow. At least I have different things on my mind tonight.

I told you I'd do it

2009-11-17T09:30:00.001+11:00

Workout today, done. Run tomorrow: may have to go to sleep earlier tonight if I want to get up before work.

lalalaaa

2009-11-16T18:32:00.002+11:00

I'm excited about HKD tonight, I hope my instructors think I'm ready for grading.

I've worked out a bit of an exercise plan for the week. I'm really going to stick to it too. This blog will make me accountable to that... I'll promise to post here if I fail. I bear the responsibility of failing at keeping the interwebs as a trustworthy, honest place if I lie about doing it.

How apt that this is in my head now.

2009-11-16T00:12:00.001+11:00

My tempers are fitful,
My passions are strong,
They bind my poor soul
And they force me to wrong;
Beneath thy blest billows
Deliverance I see,
O come, mighty ocean,
And roll over me!

One day I will say this to you.

2009-11-15T23:36:00.001+11:00

Grrrr! Get out of my head!! Leave me alone, PLEASE!!

Opportunities

2009-11-14T16:58:00.003+11:00

I have just realised that I need to take the opportunities in front of me, but I also need to notice them.

I need to see, and take, the opportunity show someone that I am angry with them, that I am upset, and that they make me feel that way, even though I don't want to feel like that.

I also need to see, and take, the opportunity to show someone I love them, and they make me feel happy.

In theory, I guess this would make my life happier. I wonder whether realisation will actually change me at all.

2009-11-13T16:59:00.001+11:00

Another day, another M*A*S*H theme...

I need to do more exercise.

Wednesday, post rehearsal.

2009-11-11T21:04:00.001+11:00

The people I know never cease to amaze me. The kind of amaze that could be substitued with disappoint.

Fortunately, I occasionally get to hang out with people with whom I enjoy spending time. This is one of those times. Yay.

2009-11-10T14:07:00.003+11:00

I didn't get chosen to be on the jury today. I guess it was good, because it would have been 10 days of being bored, but the money would have been a good thing. I don't think I get anything for what I did today.

Jury is boring

2009-11-10T14:06:00.001+11:00

I am in twoonds about whether I want to get picked for the trial for which I have been summoned to participate in as a juror. I really dint want to be coming here for another 7 - 10 days, but 7 - 10 days of pay would be a nice change.

And there are some nice looking chicks here... A nice change from those to whom I have become accustomed.

2009-11-09T14:11:00.001+11:00

what did I do with myself before I had the internet??

2009-11-06T07:38:00.001+11:00

I wish I didn't miss what I go without. Or who, for that matter.

Stuff is so lame now. I really am not sleeping well, so I'm tired all the time, I have so little motivation to do any preparation for my army application, I am feeling more and more overqualified for my work - at both jobs, that is... people make me feel like I would be better off if I just forgot about making something of my life and just found a desk to work at until I am 65. I don't think that would make me happy.

I don't think God made me to feel the way I do about life to do that, so I will keep waiting for him for now.

I now, in other news, have a complete and working digital slr camera. It's a new toy, but it's an awesome one. I can't wait to get to use it.

Another ending

2009-11-02T18:22:00.002+11:00

*sigh*

Too much stuff changes without me doing anything - I seem to have an effect on people by my presence, even though they don't pay much attention to me until I'm gone.

2009-11-02T15:30:00.001+11:00

this job is killing my soul

irony

2009-11-02T15:07:00.002+11:00

... of my friend coming to my church is that I may not be staying there. Though, if she's there more often, I may be able to finish a sentance without someone coming in and barging in on my conversation. I can't believe how rude people are.

I've decided to avoid youth group things. Over that for a while, and now over enough of the people there to warrant this decision.

Stupid me

2009-11-02T09:25:00.000+11:00

Why am I losing sleep over things that happened 8 months, or even 18 months ago??

2009-11-01T14:06:00.001+11:00

WTF?? Why is there a dating button on eBay??

Stuck

2009-10-28T23:43:00.001+11:00

I am in a rut now - a deep hole. I think that is why I can oy really see myself. My own problems.

The only direction I can see is up.

Media sucks

2009-10-27T16:52:00.002+11:00

Gripe number 1:
Models and magazines are supporting a code of conduct, whereby photos will no longer 'digitally retouched' and people will feel better about themselves.

Does anyone not notice how good most models look in real life? Why do people think that all us normal people will feel better when we know that models actually look better than us, rather than someone with Photoshop can make them look better than us?

Models are models because they look better than most people.

Gripe number 2:
Current affairs programs in general, but at this moment in particular...

"Real size men and women go into Sydney fashion stores, where's the service, where's the choice?" as a video of of two people who I would describe as "obese, but don't need an adjective for it" walk around clothing stores.

I want the guy who wears twice as much material to pay twice as much as I do. How about that for a current affair report? Not everyone has a serious weight problem!

Secrets

2009-10-27T16:41:00.002+11:00

Someone said to me, well to a few of us that were talking, that they feel like they missed out on having a rebellious phase in their life, and if they started now, it would be just lame because they are too old (because 25 is heaps old?)

All I have to say is that I hope that no-one ever finds out about my rebelliousness.

Lizt.

2009-10-27T14:43:00.001+11:00

Finally got organized with something I have been meaning to get done for a while. Feels good to have things a little more organized for a change. I must admit, I was swayed by some crazy friends to get organized though.

Is organized spelled organized or organised??

oh, right

2009-10-26T09:36:00.001+11:00

I want to work with people who are not retired, about to retire, or perhaps even under 30. That would be nice.

I work with 3 people who are not in the 'grandparents' age bracket. They all have kids my age. *sigh*

2009-10-26T07:48:00.001+11:00

not sleeping sucks.

I don't know why I realized this.

2009-10-25T23:20:00.002+11:00

I think the reason that Susan and I didn't last was because we didn't fight about what was going on between us. I think if we'd screamed at each other a bit, we would have resolved our issues, and seen how upset we were about things. Or broken up anyway, but at least then we would have been able to yell at each other and get it out of our system.

New Memories

2009-10-23T18:57:00.001+11:00

Susan often went on about new memories, and making them.

I'm installing a game she got me into now, I guess it's ironic I make new memories about this game.

where I'm at

2009-10-23T18:45:00.000+11:00

OK, so I got an E-mail today. It was about my application to the Defence Force - I can expect a reply to the letter I had to send them within 4-6 weeks from the 19th. In other words, I am fairly sure that I won't be able to even go to the next round of testing until next year some time. Kinda depressing really. I feel like this year has been a huge bowl of nothing. Coated in nothing. With sprinkles of something to keep me amused for one or two days at a time.

I mean really. since I left school, I would get about 3 or 4 months through the year and feel like life just sux. I figured this was because I was studying, but this year blew that theory out of the water. It's like half way through the year I get a bit of a boost from other people being around, but I get the blues about this time every 6 months. It just sucks, it happens, I know it happens, and I know when it is happening, I just feel like crap. The worst part is that my friends just think I'm being a jerk, or having a whine. I've messed up a few friendships this year and I can't ever gain their trust again over this, and that makes me really sad.

I haven't achieved much this year, but I'll survive. I know I am really lucky in so many ways, but it's hard to think about positives. It's so hard to avoid comparing myself to other people, by the time dad was my age, he was married, and by the time my brother was my age, he was in his own place, and who knows where people younger than me will be - people who are already making something of their lives.

All I wanted this year was to achieve what other people in my situation would. I wanted a job mostly - more than anything else. I wanted to feel like I was contributing to something, making my own way. Apparently I have not been able to do that. I didn't think that would be unreasonable to ask for, but apparently not so. God gives to some, and not to others. I guess I'll just have to wait.

TV is trying to make me feel bad about myself.

2009-10-23T14:57:00.002+11:00

I am single, I have excess body fat, I have some acne, no health or funeral cover and I am losing hair - not fast, but it's not sticking around - I don't wear makeup, or have any issues with the car I have.

I don't give a damn. I wish that television knew this. Actually, I wish that most people knew this. More to the point, I wish that most people also cared about this as much as I do.

Do people know that you don't HAVE to pay attention to ads??

2009-10-23T11:00:00.000+11:00

Can I hide here??

no. I can't.

Odd day, but good.

2009-10-19T22:09:00.001+11:00

Today was such a calm and uncaring day for me. It was very strange. I wished I was in love today, so I could steal her away and lay next to her on the grass and stare into her eyes. Such were my disires today.

Maybe next time I have a day like this there will be someone who loves me.

y so srs??

2009-10-19T15:12:00.002+11:00

I think I take life, in general, a lot less serious than other people. Well, at least the people I know.

I'm 25.

I am not of the opinion that I should have been married by now.

I don't have full-time work, and I'm not actively looking for it - I'm just waiting for the ADF to get back to me.

I'm not cramming for university by watching documentaries about people or torture, or reading books which bore me to tears, or trawling the internet for dry .pdf files which have one sentance relevant to my work, instead I watch stargate and mythbusters, and I read Terry Pratchett and C.S. Lewis and I use the internet predominantly for World of Warcraft.

I am not trying to promote myself or drop names of people who are so hot right now.

I don't care how many friends, followers or E-mails I get.

I don't have a 5 year plan.

I write blogs.

I get pissed off at people, but also get over it without trying to make sure that the whole planet knows I am - I do complain about some people, but not all the ones I am pissed off about.

I am passionate, and I do get upset, and I do take action, but this does not mean I will always be capable of seeing the outcome of my works.

I acknowledge all of this as part of who I am.

and that's ok.

and it's ok to be different.

I think Whoopi Golberg would be into me...

2009-10-16T18:42:00.002+11:00

"What is the first thing you see when you look at a man?"

"His head."

"Aaaah, the mind"

"No, his head. I am attracted to bald men"

... and there may be hope for me after all.

Lonely

2009-10-16T15:12:00.001+11:00

If God hates lonliness then why does he not do more about it??

WHINGE!!!

2009-10-15T15:25:00.002+11:00

I'm not really going to whinge, much.

What's with bagging out organizations in public??

Lame.

I mean, I'm lame, I'm not going to argue with that - but I'm not that lame.

Love and Money

2009-10-14T23:09:00.002+11:00

I had to 'verbalize' this recently, but I think I've had this opinion for a while.

I figure love is like money.

Some people have a lot of it, some people don't.

Some people are born with it.
Some people work hard to get it.
Some people are just poor.

Hmmmmm

2009-10-13T00:46:00.001+11:00

Do not stir up or awaken love until it so pleases. I guess that explains her.

going, going...

2009-10-11T22:05:00.002+11:00

I am totally over the people at church. I am tired of putting in effort into trying to get to know people and having them think nothing of my intentions in this.

I can't believe I even asked one of them out from there, I thought I knew this girl, and I asked her out, and she didn't have the decency to dignify me with any response, but I know the bitch was talking about it to other people. Am I so horrible and unlikable that someone can't even talk to me about something like that?? There is something seriously so wrong with the people there and I'm over it. I'm over people saying "we should just hang out at church and get to know each other" as an excuse to say 'no thanks' when we ask the m if they would like to hang out some time, not only because it is a lie because if they really wanted to hang around with us at church and get to know us there, we'd have been talking for a while now, and I wouldn't be so fed up with trying to talk with people at church. My second issue with this is that I am really insulted that you think I am so much of a moron that I will have no idea of what you're really saying. Just be straight with me and say no, that way when you're being blunt, you're really sparing my feelings by treating me like an adult. That's right, I'm 25, I expect that people wouldn't be so delicate around me, like I'm 16 and all full of angst and I'm going to bitch about all these people behind my back.

I mean seriously, I'm over being ignored when I'm putting effort in. I don't expect people to drop what they're doing to accommodate me, but I think it would be nice if people were occasionally honest and upfront with me, and getting a straight answer from people would be nice too, occasionally - "what are you doing, we can come and pick you up, if you like - we're only 10 minutes away" "oh, I dunno, I'll think about it" "ok, well make up your minds and let us know" and then no response. If you're not interested in doing stuff say so, but don't waste my time by not replying to something like that.

Also, why do people get offended when people in a situation like the one in which I find myself say something along the lines of "I feel really left out of the group, I know I don't fit in here." I mean come on, I'm not freaking stupid, when you people put photos on facebook of things that you do, while everyone except for a select few of us are invited, it's kinda obvious. People around you notice when you do things and they aren't invited because you talk about what you do. And when we try to get people together to hang out, no-one ever shows the slightest bit of interest. Do people not notice that we're not there?? I'm pretty sure that people don't notice that we're not there. I'm sure people don't sit around saying "let's do this, but make sure that we don't invite him" but it would nice to be thought of occasionally on the invite list.

Why?? Why do you not care in the slightest about ANY of this??

Well basically I'm over it, and I'm looking around for other places to go. Perhaps maybe with someone my own age range. And if I can't find that anywhere, I just won't go anywhere, because it's never going to be worth dealing with you people again.

Old friends.

2009-10-07T19:16:00.002+11:00

Old friends give unexpected complements, or unwanted criticism.

Old friends give attention, or interrupt.

Old friends have something to share, or keep something aside.

Old friends have advice, or snide remarks.

I am glad you are not the latter. I hope I am not either.

I don't read people well

2009-10-06T17:25:00.001+11:00

Totally misunderstood, I am. Makes me feel sad, even though I realize there is absolutely nothing I can possibly do about someone else's feelings.

Sleep is for the week... And it is now Monday.

2009-10-05T01:58:00.001+11:00

I would very much prefer it if my body clock wasn't set to "wake up when I hop into bed." I feel that this my significantly affect my life in the future if this problem does not resolve itself.

I am not sure if it is really insomnia, or not, but I assume many people would call it that. I am also unsure of what i can do about it.

But then again, I am only having a bit of a winge anyway, I will prevail against sleep - even against my own wishes.

This also probably explains why I take forever to get going in the morning.

Leave Brittany alone!! Nah I'm not like that.

2009-10-03T14:42:00.001+10:00

People, whoever it is that is doing it, please get out of my way, I have intentions here.

Why me??

2009-10-01T00:46:00.001+10:00

Two nights in a row. I feel sick. What is wrong with me.

I thought I wasn't a loser, but I must be a step below that. I must be a fool for not noticing. Phil Gough, Manufacturing error.

Late night, can't sleep

2009-09-30T01:00:00.001+10:00

I can't believe I am feeling physically ill at the thoughts going through my head. It is not like I haven't had these thoughts before, but I just feel lonely and scared and totally helpless. I can't concentrate or pray anymore, and it is all over nothing. My feelings are all mixed up and confused, I keep imagining scenarios and situations but nothing I can dream up can even lead to something good, only failure and rejection. I have friends with real problems, ones I can't imagine surviving through, but I cannot shake my own petty hopes and and anticipate a possible positive outcome from anything I strive for.

It is not like anything I do matters, I can fantisize about success, achievment, recognition and love all I like, bit nothing is ever up to me. God will find semeone to replace me should I give up. There is nothing for Him to gain from me. There is no work I could do which can change anything about your opinion about me.

But I wish with all my being that there was...

2009-09-29T12:10:00.001+10:00

Muse is awesome. I can't believe I didn't get into it earlier.

2009-09-18T09:14:00.001+10:00

So I am at the surgeon's waiting to go in. With nothing to think about but how futile this is. Quite frustrating. Expensive, also. If these guys don't teach me to fly helicopters, I'll be cheesed off. Miffed as I have heard recently.

Salty and I have been able to hang out and chat a lot lately. It's been really good for both of us, I think. It is nice to feel like someone is going to be there. Especially during arena matches in WoW.

2009-09-16T00:00:00.001+10:00

I don't know why it came to this, but I'm having to get advice on action I feel I need to take in regards to the way people talk about each other around me. Not a happy thing.

I also have an ultra-sound tomorrow and a specialist appointment the day after. Hoping that everything goes well and I am deemed as medical class 1 quickly.

And I am graduating next week. Totally forgot about that.

The end of the multiverse as we know it.

2009-09-12T17:39:00.001+10:00

Going out again tonight, this is like twice in two months. What is happening to me??

Stoopid Shoulder

2009-09-11T16:49:00.003+10:00

I had a doctor's appointment this morning because yesterday I recieved a letter from the defence force recruiting to say that I have to go see an orthopaedic surgeon about my shoulder. So I went to the doctor to get a referral. He was this middle age guy who was clean shaven... well maybe a day or two ago he was. EXCEPT FOR ONE MANKY LONG (like 7cm long) MANKY LONG HAIR ON THE SIDE OF HIS FACE!! Seriously. Why would you keep that?? Yuck.

In other news, I have an appointment on Thursday for my shoulder, and they said, in this letter, that I had a mild tear in my rotator cuff. The person I spoke to at the surgeon's was wondering how they could diagnose that without an ultrasound. So I'm getting an ultrasound on Wednesday. Quite annoying because I was going to see if I could change my work day from Thursday to Wednesday. Grrr.

Anyway, my shoulder is pretty much fine now, and this setback is just lame. Yet another thing in my way.

2009-09-09T16:24:00.001+10:00

Tonight I find out a few things - mostly to do with what people think about me. I'm really nervous, even though I am fairly realistic about my situation.

I also heard something about my army application. A fortune cookie told me that I am "a natural born leader." it makes me wonder how God chooses to speak to us.

I am sick of hypocracy and slander.

2009-09-01T23:50:00.002+10:00

I don't get why people make such a big deal out of some problems they have with people who have little to so with them or me. It is often none of my business what people rant to me about, but they so it all the same. It only makes me wonder what they say about me when I am not around.

2009-09-01T14:55:00.002+10:00

I've been enjoying squash recently. It's fun and a good work out. I gues that when I move away that will be one of the things I am going to miss.

I have been thinking about checking out some other churches. I don't really have anything holding me to where I am currently going, and I've grown further away from the people who are my peers there. I wasn't planning on hanging around where I am for the sake of being there if i was staying in Sydney next year.

2009-08-27T22:21:00.001+10:00

I find it surprising how people act differently to me at different times. Online conversations with people who don't notice me in a crowded room, a wave and a smile in the shopping centre from someone who might not notice if I say hello. Does this make those people insincere, are they not genuine? Or am I the one who is a fake. I smile back and I make conversation, where I would not have done do otherwise, is that as bad?

I don't know. I shall remain baffled by these people, I think.

2009-08-25T18:25:00.001+10:00

I am less than excited about seeing G.I.Joe tonight, but here I am, none the less. The preparation session for the officer selection board, the next big thing in my army application was good. I have a lot of work to do before then. If only I knew when it was coming up.